The last time I posted anything to this website, it was late 2015. I was in a much different mental state then. Probably more frantic, more insistent on pushing myself in a direction. However that flamed out spectacularly in my own head as my own want to get stuff done for this, make something for myself resulted me in basically becoming paralyzed with fear about it. I wanted to make a go of maybe making something like this into a paying gig eventually, something I know that is incredibly hard to do, and dominated not by writing anymore. I figured if I was able to push enough I could do it, but as it turned out, I wasn’t able to push enough at all to even make this a regular thing.
So I have been away from this for a while, concentrating instead on my schoolwork to become a teacher, which is actually almost done. On top of that I am just more content with where I am and who I am, I still get stressed and become a ball of anxiety sometimes, but it is definitely a lot better than it used to be. I could still benefit from stuff like exercise and eating better, but the little battles are what need to be won first against yourself, the inner battles. I can work on the outer stuff, the more visible stuff as time goes on.
So what does that mean for this blog? It means I want to start writing again. Not as something I want to eventually turn into a paying situation, but something I want to do as a true hobby. It means I have missed video games by and large. I still play them, but not with the regularity I did in the past, which is a shame. I find myself too often now just sort of vegging out and watching TV when presented with free time. I want to do things like streaming and videos for fun, I want to present content in a way that is me. I have had a little practice now with my coworker in making video content, and I think I am decent enough at it to make a go for myself.
Nothing I do though is going to be fancy in any way, or seem professional really. Someone like my coworker wants to turn games journalism and content creation into a job, and he has the drive and talent to do it. Also he has the benefit of age. What I plan on doing is literally just in a hobbyist sense. I won’t be keeping a regular schedule, stuff will go up as it goes up. It may be a lot in a short period of time, there may be droughts as I get busy with school stuff. I am not going to run streams to get huge numbers of people, you won’t see me becoming some pro MOBA player. Instead you may see me streaming something that probably is too slow and menu-heavy to stream, like Lost Odyssey. More than anything, I actually do miss putting my voice out there, as small as it is. Howling into the void and seeing what comes up. Lastly I figure why not do this. After watching the controversies of famous personalities like Pewdiepie unfold, I figure I am at least able to not put antisemitic crap on anything I do, which in a way puts me ahead of the game.